Are you a He-man or “Metrosexual” Woodworker?

By Walter Woodward

You may have heard the term “metrosexual”. These are urban men who are comfortable with their “feminine” or “X” chromosome. Ten years ago, they were “sensitive nineties guys” working to develop relationships with other men. Now they are out shopping with female friends for trendy clothes, applying eyeliner, having pedicures, exfoliations, and air brushed tans. They should be spending their money on good stuff like lumber, tools, and woodworking magazines.

Where do you fall on the macho/metro woodworking scale? As a psychological consultant for Garreson Lumber Company’s Tally Sheet, I’ve prepared a test to quantify your macho/metro quotient (MMQ). You can take this confidential exam in the privacy of your home. Answer the questions, and add up the score. As an added bonus, we’ve included tips on how to purchase lumber here in rural upstate New York, based on your score.

1. Do you work primarily with masculine or feminine woods?

5 Red Elm, red and white oak, hickory

3 Red maple, poplar

1 Black cherry, curly maple, walnut

2. What kind of tools do you prefer?

5 Big old industrial power tools with babbet bearings that spray oil all over you and your work.

3 New shiny tools with Asian sounding names.

1 Precision power tools imported from Europe.

3. You work in:

1 An insulated shop with hot water heat and use an air filter to eliminate dust.

3 You work in an uninsulated shop and wear a dust mask and ear protectors.

5 Your shop has three walls. You shovel the planer shavings right into the adjacent horse stall. What are ear protectors and dust masks?”

4. You make:

5 gun cabinets and racks, plaques for mounting antlers, fish, and deer heads, boats or ultra light airplanes.

3 kitchen cabinets, computer furniture, picture frames.

1 abstract sculpture, contemporary furniture, jewelry boxes

5. You carve:

5 gun stocks, cowboy caricatures, fish, ducks, bears, Indians with rugged chisled faces, scantily clad women with large bosoms

3 religious scenes, birds, modestly clad women with medium bosoms

1 flowers, dolphins, whales, wood and tree spirits, nude figures.

6. You are missing:

5 points for each missing finger

3 points for each missing fingernail

1 point for each scar

Scoring:

25-30 points: You are a real He-man. Grab your gun, hop in your pickup, and bring your big haired woman. You’ll fit right in here in upstate New York. Buy yourself an old trailer and set it down on a chunk of ground. Get a heavy duty extension cord, a blue tarp and some duct tape and build yourself a shop, then come buy some lumber.

15-25 points: You are a sensitive nineties guy. It’s ok to be a little out of style. You might be more comfortable in a garage or basement workshop in town. Let your beard grow for a day or two before venturing out into lumber country.

5-15 points: You are a metrosexual woodworker. You know how to touch up a scratch in the finish with eyeliner. Call ahead. You can pick up your order after dark. Bring a cell phone in case of a breakdown. We’ll come help you out.

Note: For women taking this test, just reverse the numbers.