Mr. Mom’s ChildcareTips for Guys

Girls like men who can handle babies. They see a man bouncing a kid and think there is a tender sensitive gentleman under that rough masculine exterior. So if you want to get babes, you got to learn to handle babies without damaging them.

First, some general information: Babies come in two main types: male and female. It’s important to know the difference or you can offend women. Girl babies generally have a bit of pink somewhere on their clothing or a pink headband if they are bald. You may see some lacey stuff lining the leg holes of their diaper covers (I’m not sure what they call them but you’ll know what I mean). Boy babies have blue in their clothes and often are dressed in little bib overall things.

Second, babies come in three main sizes: I call them small, medium and large but if you’re new to babies, small is about the size of a plucked chicken or duck. Medium resembles a woodchuck, and large is about the size of a turkey.

Be careful with small babies. Their head can flop back and forth, possibly causing metal fatigue over time and falling off. Always hold the head in your hand. Use rubber gloves if possible. Babies drip their weight in various fluids every 24 hours and half of that comes out their mouth and nose. These fluids aren’t like motor oil or transmission fluid that can be removed with ordinary solvents. They are crawling with deadly germs and require disinfectants. When holding a child’s head, remember that on the top—the part where hair eventually grows—there are a series of tectonic plates that haven’t fused: the soft spot. Don’t exert too much pressure there. For example, if you accidentally drop a child, don’t grab and squeeze by the head. Your thumb could go right through. It’s better to just let the child go. They are rubbery and usually recover from a fall.

Medium babies can crawl around on the floor. When walking in a room with one or more babies in it, never lift your feet more than an inch off the floor to avoid stepping on one. You will not get a babe by accidentally stepping on babies, and they have an effective alarm system. When you step on one, every woman within three miles will hear the piercing siren-like wail. You may think it’s better to just stand in one place, but it’s not. A medium sized baby will eventually find your shoe and “teeth” (pronounced teethth) on it, covering the shoe tip with a slime-like substance. Once a shoe has been teethed on, you may as well give it to the baby to work the rest of his teeth out.

Large babies can be the most interesting. They have evolved to a higher level, from a quadruped to a biped. They are about the size of Australopithecus or Pithecanthropus fossils. Mothers think their baby is the smartest little thing ever born, and it’s usually true. They are more intelligent than both their parents. Large babies understand the Law of the Jungle, which their parents forgot years ago. The best part about big babies is while they are on an equal intellectual level with men and share similar interests (building Lego towers and knocking them down), men are bigger and stronger. Big babies understand who is Boss. Too bad women don’t. Then they’d be as much fun as big babies.