The Friendly Competitor

“Dan” drops in periodically to try to sell me lumber. The problem is his prices are about the same as mine so I can’t really afford to buy from him. However he likes to talk and I hear the local gossip from cabinetmaking shops in the region. He recently offered me the company calendar. “I’ve got the flat one and the one that’s rolled up in a tube. You have a preference?”

“What’s the difference?”

“The flat one has Norman Rockwell pictures. The rolled up one they’ve never given me to hand out before. It’s….err…got girls in the pictures.”

“I better take the flat one, thanks.”

“They didn’t tell me this at the office but apparently they’ve been handing these out for years. So the other day I was up in the Amish/Mennonite area handing calendars out to woodworkers. I’d made three stops. Then the fourth—one of his three boys opened it up while I was still there. His jaw just about hit the floor, and so did mine. That was pretty sticky. I had to back track and apologize to everybody. One already ended up in the wood stove. He told me it was a good thing I came back. I almost lost a customer or three.”

“I’m sure I could have filled in for you.” I offered helpfully.

Advice from Walter Woodward

Dear Walter,

My husband, “Fred”, has been reading about the “New 21^st Century Male” and is getting comfortable with his feminine side. He’s using his beer money for pedicures and I think he is using my eyeliner without asking. Is this OK?

Concerned, New London, CT

Dear Ms CT,

It is no coincidence that men are using makeup at the same time women are getting tattoos. Fred is simply responding to the “zeitgeist” something I learned about in some upper level psyhiolo…psyckol….phycho…counselling courses. I’m sending you my pamphlet, “Using BEER to Improve your Cuticles” It explains how a guy can save money by sitting in a La-Z-Boy watching a football game while dipping one finger at a time in his beer. You switch fingers at each commercial break. The alcohol kills germs so you can still drink the beer. As for the eye liner: check his shop. He’s probably using it to touch up a scratch on his humidor.

Dear Walter:

My neighbor has a cat, Cuddles, who finds his way into my shop and uses the sawdust on the floor as a public restroom. Dolly brings me pies and cup cakes occasionally, so I can’t set a booby trap. How do I handle my neighbor’s cat?

Frustrated, Poopinshavings, NM

Dear NM,

I had a similar problem with neighbor Thorgerta Helgersen’s bobcat/cougar cross. She never brings me food, but she can mow down my pansy bed when she’s mad. Here’s how I would handle it. Everybody loves gifts. Make Dolly a special Christmas present – a Mission style litter box. Present it to her on Christmas eve. Include a bag of shavings laced with catnip. Set it under the Christmas tree and sit on the couch with Dolly, sipping eggnog, and watch how quickly Cuddles grasps the concept and gratefully tries out his new box.