Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Advice from Walter Woodward

Dear Walter,

My husband, “Fred”, has been reading about the “New 21st Century Male” and is getting comfortable with his feminine side. He’s using his beer money for pedicures and I think he is using my eyeliner without asking. Is this OK?

Concerned, New London, CT

Dear Ms CT,

It is no coincidence that men are using makeup at the same time women are getting tattoos. Fred is simply responding to the “zeitgeist” something I learned about in some upper level psyhiolo…psyckol….phycho…counselling courses. I’m sending you my pamphlet, “Using BEER to Improve your Cuticles” It explains how a guy can save money by sitting in a La-Z-Boy watching a football game while dipping one finger at a time in his beer. You switch fingers at each commercial break. The alcohol kills germs so you can still drink the beer. As for the eye liner: check his shop. He’s probably using it to touch up a scratch on his humidor.

Dear Walter:

My neighbor has a cat, Cuddles, who finds his way into my shop and uses the sawdust on the floor as a public restroom. Dolly brings me pies and cup cakes occasionally, so I can’t set a booby trap. How do I handle my neighbor’s cat?

Frustrated, Poopinshavings, NM

Dear NM,

I had a similar problem with neighbor Thorgerta Helgersen’s bobcat/cougar cross. She never brings me food, but she can mow down my pansy bed when she’s mad. Here’s how I would handle it. Everybody loves gifts. Make Dolly a special Christmas present – a Mission style litter box. Present it to her on Christmas eve. Include a bag of shavings laced with catnip. Set it under the Christmas tree and sit on the couch with Dolly, sipping eggnog, and watch how quickly Cuddles grasps the concept and gratefully tries out his new box.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Walter,

I think you have inhaled a bit too much wood dust.

I was thinking of increasing my family's fiber intake. Is there a way I can mold my sawdust into the shape of a Thanksgiving turkey?

A true fan

9:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear True Fan,

I think I know who you are. Trust me, you've already managed the art.

A True Fan of the True Fan

7:09 AM  

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